For a very long time I’ve only seen the negatives when I look in the mirror. I wasn’t able to see the good in me. I was told when I was young, by an abuser that I was just a fat wrinkled up old hag and no one will ever want me. I was told this story so many times for so long that I began to believe it. I began to start telling myself the same lies over and over….and began truly believing them. My body shaming was eventually at an all time high. I was abusing drugs. I was allowing men to abuse my body. My mind believed I deserved it. I was in a state of self loathing. I often wanted to die. I’d given up my 1st born son at age 2 due to my active addiction and I decided I had nothing to live for.
I remember the day I was at my lowest….I took the knife out of the rack slowly and as I looked at the blade I saw my reflection. The hate welled up in my soul and I stretched out my arm and slashed. I slashed again….then again. The burn was eerily comforting. The warm fluid running down my arm soothed me. Again I slashed. I nicked an artery. Blood squirted in my face. O I’ve done it now. Finally I’m going to escape from this horrible existence. I melted on to the floor and dropped the blade. My life began to flow from my body. The pain slowly faded. I got very relaxed and took what I hoped would be my last breaths….
I was found. Resuscitated. Revived. Brought to the emergency room where I encountered a nurse who would say something to me i never forgot. She told me I’d done it wrong. She said that if I wanted to kill myself I needed to slice in the other direction.
Wow, what a thing to say to someone.
At that moment I had just wanted reassurance. Comforting words. To be shown compassion. Instead she sneered. Mocked. Downplayed what I had just gone thru.
In the back of my mind, I swore if I ever had the chance to give someone what I had needed in my moment of deepest despair, I would give someone An opportunity to heal. Empowerment.
The nurse who came in after her sat down and began to stitch me back together. All the while, talking to me quietly. Inquiring why I’d made the choice to try to end my own life. Asking me about my son. About my childhood. My relationships. This nurse said that one day, my boy would grow up to be a man. He may wanna know about me. Who I was. Who I A.M.
Wouldn’t it be the right thing to do….to hang around to tell him he was loved. Why I chose to give him up. To be there for him. Even if I felt a bit overwhelmed with life, he deserved to have me me live. That was also a moment I never forgot.
That day I slowly began to slowly heal. It has taken me decades to get to the point where I don’t hate my reflection. It’s a process. I still struggle but I don’t cut anymore. I don’t don’t abuse drugs. I stopped choosing dysfunctional relationships. I’m learning to see the beauty and strength in myself by seeing the beauty and strength in other people.
Sometimes it’s easier to see in other ppl what u don’t seem to see in yourself. If that’s what it takes then so be it.
So I started sharing all of the light I saw in others. I began listening to motivational speakers and found inspiration. Marc Mero, a former wrestler now well known speaker, helped me to find the words I’ve used time and time again. “when u can see the potential in you that I see in u, ur gonna do great things”. Wow.
I reflect on that now. The mirror isn’t so scary anymore. I took the healing opportunity and found my personal empowerment. I discovered my purpose.
Now instead of manifesting negative energy, I manifest abundant love. Positivity. Joy. Bliss. Encouragement. I Abundantly Manifest always. In all ways.
Poppi was quite a colorful character. Very opinionated and borderline boisterous. He was full of joy all the time and certainly the most generous man i ever knew. He put me through school and provided for my family as if we were his own. My boys will always remember him as their Papa.
He taught my youngest ones about everything from money conversion and investment to setting goals and good character and morals, as they sat on his desk in pampers. He taught them many life lessons. They grew to admire and respect him tremendously.
In late 2012, he was murdered and our world fell out from underneath us. My heart broke as i watched his littlest ones try to understand their loss. There is so much evil in this world but all Poppi ever taught was acceptance and positivity. Kindness and the act of giving. Integrity and growth. We miss him. We loved and appreciated him. We wont ever forget his lessons or his laugh. He will live on in our hearts and in the intention of this page. It’s because of you, Poppi, that i found the strength to pick up the pieces of my brokenness and move forward with my head held high. This page is dedicated to your memory.
And as you used to always say
“I love my life!”
We love you….rest easy.